I have often referred to the Christmas holidays of 2021 as being the moment that I experienced my unprecedented mental health breakdown. While it is technically true that a number of extenuating circumstances converged at this very particular point on the calendar, the actual full blown mental breakdown carried over the next four months like a slow motion car crash.

The first few days spent with Meg were balanced precariously on an emotional see-saw. Outwardly I presented normally, enjoying the holiday with my daughter. We avoided the awkward uncertainty about life after CAMHS but found space to talk about Sally. It would have been Meg who asked the questions. She certainly wanted to know if Sally was going to be coming around to visit in the new year, if she was going to become one of the ‘new’ friends that Sally herself had alluded to. I had deliberately avoided romantic relationships while raising Meg and hadn’t sought adult companionship for over fifteen years. Meg needed stability and wasn’t getting it at home with her mother. I tested her receptivity on this issue. ‘How would you feel if Sally came to visit?’ I asked. ‘I think it would be ok,’ replied Meg. ‘So, it would be ok with you if I invited Sally around for dinner sometime?’ I continued. ‘Yes,’ replied Meg.

Inwardly I struggled.

The distractions of Christmas Day and Boxing Day quickly receded and I was dragged into steep mental decline. The signs of impending emotional breakdown were all too apparent, fearfulness, deep anxiety, panic attacks, difficulty breathing and, most worryingly, thoughts of suicide.

My sanity was unravelling, primarily due to two easily identifiable issues. First, Meg was about to be discharged from the CAMHS service and there wasn’t any provision in place to continue therapy. Sally Mungall had suggested that she was going to organise safeguarding but I really didn’t know what that entailed. As far as I could tell, I was expected to continue caring for my daughter, indefinitely. I was, am still, a very good father, but I am no psychologist. While I am very well read on the subjects of OCD and autism I am never going to be qualified to deliver expert therapeutic intervention. If her own professional psychotherapist, Mark Birbeck, was unable to contend with her profound and debilitating mental health issues then what chance did I have? Additionally, I was suffering seriously from long-term carer burnout and yet there was still no sign of support for me.

The other storm cloud that broiled overhead was my own painfully exposed psychological trauma recently brought back to life through the art therapy sessions. Sally had unlocked the door to the dark basement of my psyche and found herself truly disgusted by what she had encountered. At the end she was so anxious to be gone, perhaps so eager to wash herself clean, that she left that door wide open, letting loose the shadow harpies with their monstrous projected appetites. I had kept my weekly art therapy appointments and never missed a session but now Sally was conspicuously absent and I was feeling dreadfully alone. I needed consolation and sought her out through social media. As already mentioned, I had found Sally Mungall on Facebook and regularly dipped into her page, keeping up with her posts.

Here is the thing about Facebook, the social media and social networking platform. Users can "friend" other users if both sides agree to being friends. Posts made by users can be changed to be seen by everyone (public), friends, people in a certain group (group) or by selected friends (private). These are considerations that every user is accountable for, responsible for. When it comes to social media, the burden of responsibility rests squarely upon the shoulders of all therapists to consider the implications to review social media profiles from the perspective of a client or a potential client.

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy explores the ethical and common sense implications surrounding social media. For those professionals interested in those implications and especially for those who have not given much thought to the subject, try reading the following

https://www.bacp.co.uk/membership/membership-policies/social-media/

The other thing about Facebook is that anyone from anywhere around the globe who has access to the internet can view posts that are made ‘public’ and view those posts with almost complete anonymity. As far as I am aware, there is absolutely no way of identifying any one particular person who may be viewing public posts to Facebook. Even now, with advanced AI analytics, it is only possible to focus on generic identifiers and not named individuals. A therapist who is careless using social media, especially platforms like Facebook, open themselves up to the  curiosity of their clients.

I felt lost without Sally. My sessions with her over and I was going to have to wait three weeks before I saw her again and much longer until our meeting to review my art therapy drawings. My depression was profound, for the reasons stated above and I took comfort through connecting with her on Facebook. I was already enforcing my own boundaries and refrained from using Facebook messenger to contact her directly but I looked through all her public posts, looking for clues that might reveal  her current relationship status. I looked for photos of her and, while looking, stumbled upon pictures of Sally with her husband. The photos were old and it wasn’t clear if she was still married. The pictures were happy ones and threw me into serious doubt for they contradicted other posts that she had made public, including posts that spoke of relational grievences and infidelity. These photos changed my plans. I wanted to know, sooner rather than later, if Sally was in a happy and contented relationship. If she was I would have to keep the promise that I had made in ‘that letter’. I would acknowledge her current relationship and move on.

So I proceeded with two things.

First, I made an appointment with my GP to talk about my mental health.

Second, I made contact with CAMHS reception asking for a message to be forwarded to Sally asking for our meeting to review my art therapy drawings to be scheduled asap. I saw my GP on the 29th December. Shortly after, an email from Sally confirmed our meeting for the 3rd February, 2022.