T-MINUS 5 DAYS AND COUNTING 20^th September, 2022.  I attended the second of two mental health assessments with Locum Consultant Psychiatrist, Dr Isa Shafii. Medical records later confirmed that these appointments were prompted by two urgent referrals, the first by Kirsty Smith, B-connected PCN nurse, the second, immediately after by my GP, Dr Dougan.  Dr Shafii invited Lauren Mason, a social worker with CMHT, to attend both assessments.

The first mental health assessment  with Dr Shafii on the 16^th September, 2022 had already covered quite a lot of ground although I had remained guarded and untrusting throughout. I did allude to intergenerational trauma but would not be drawn into divulging details. Indeed, it is worth mentioning that I have never felt comfortable talking to men about the intergenerational trauma passed down, insidiously through my family. It is the main reason that I have always requested female therapists when given the choice. I also felt invalidated when Dr Shafii appeared unconvinced by some of my reports of being abused in intimate relationships. I challenged him on this at the start of the second assessment but he denied any scepticism on his part. He even sought Lauren Mason’s recollection and she agreed with him. I didn’t trust either of them.

Both Dr Shafii’s mental health assessment reports are filed on my medical records. He wrote his observations of me, ‘at times his eye contact was very intense, intimidating with passive aggressive stance’ and continued with ‘mood as reactive with intense anger agitation and restlessness’. Towards the end of his report Dr Shafii concluded by writing that I had ‘suffered from trauma that is of shame and guilt’.

Dr Shafii also wrote that ‘His personality disorder is complex’ although he probably used that term very loosely. Personality disorder is a clinic term used to describe a class of mental health conditions characterized by enduring maladaptive patterns of behavior, cognition, and inner experience, exhibited across many contexts and deviating from those accepted by the culture. I had already entertained the idea that I might have been suffering from a particular personality disorder referred to as BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder but have since discarded this notion. I have never been clinically diagnosed with any personality disorders. My symptoms can be totally explained within the context of intergenerational trauma and Complex PTSD. Indeed, Dr Shafii offered a ‘working diagnosis of Complex PTSD and traits of ASD ( Autistic Spectrum Disorder )’ into his report and recommended ‘dyadic psychodynamic psychotherapy’ and a ‘Schema Focused’ type of therapy’.

21^st and 22^nd September 2022 . Evidence in my medical records reveals a disturbing and disingenuous email from Wanda Reynolds, CAMHS General Manger at SPFT addressed to Vicky Long, Services Manager at CMHT The Bridge Centre, SHFT. This email was later referenced by Farayi Nyakubaya during a meeting on the 23^rd September, 2022.

T-MINUS 3 DAYS AND COUNTING. 22^nd September, 2022. A ‘multi professional’ meeting was held at CMHT The Bridge Centre with Dr Shafii and several members of the CMHT to discuss his mental health assessments of me. It was agreed that they would consider ‘medical psychotherapy’ . In the meantime I was to be allocated a care coordinator to offer support and to monitor risk.

T-MINUS 2 DAYS AND COUNTING. 23^rd September, 2022. It was a Friday and another meeting with Farayi Nyakubaya at Parklands House. Records suggest that this was my third meeting with Farayi.

We were joined, again, by another member of staff who made notes and recorded the meeting  electronically to which I gave my consent. By now I was very comfortable with Farayi. He was knowledgeable. professional and thoroughly sympathetic and compassionate, taking my various complaints against CMHT, The Bridge Centre very seriously. This continued to be in marked contrast to the way my complaints against CAMHS and the wider Sussex Partnership NHS Foundation Trust had been dealt with.

I learned a lot from Farayi, especially about the way CMHT worked. I had complained on behalf of my daughter, Meg about the poor mental health service being delivered by those working at The Bridge Centre. I had been very disappointed with Meg’s care coordinator, Wayne Lewis who seemed to lack fundamental communication skills. I began to understand the problems that the Trust was having in recruiting staff, particularly care coordinators. The Trust had been worryingly dependent on overly-expensive, poorly trained agency staff. While recruiting from agencies satisfied the short term problems arising from a high turnover of staff, it came with a literal cost. All new recruits require training, which is time-consuming and financially exhausting. Many agency recruits see this as an opportunity to gain experience and training without cost to themselves. Agency staff rarely hang around after they have been trained.

At some point in the proceedings I asked if CAMHS were still asking questions or demanding information about me. Farayi checked my medical records and confirmed that CAMHS had made contact with CMHT earlier that very week with reference to me but he refused, adamantly, to disclose information, citing third party confidentiality . I was angry at being denied access to records that clearly identified me by name. Evidently, things were still going on behind my back. Farayi would only confirm that there had been a request for information about me on the 21^st and a reply had been sent on the 22^nd. I bit hard on my tongue and resolved to make another access to records request of Southern Health.

T-MINUS 2 DAYS AND COUNTING 23^rd September, 2022. I was still hopeful of securing third party consent in order to access complete records held by Hampshire Constabulary. I desperately wanted to check the records so as to challenge the veracity of any claims or accusations made against me by Sally Mungall and or CAMHS and the wider Sussex Partnership NHS Foundation Trust. On Friday 23^rd September, 2022, Sue Adcock, Public Access Assistant at the Joint Information Management Unit responded to my further enquiries itemising the relevant documents needed to support my access to records. I resolved to submit physical documents personally to the front desk of JIMU  in Winchester on Monday the 26^th.

I prepared for another weekend of entrenched anxiety . While everyone else pulled down the shutters to business I was left alone faced with another weekend of inaction, left with a profound depression broiling with malcontent  and poisonous.

T-MINUS 1 DAY AND COUNTING.   24^th September, 2022. The Saturday was spent mulling over documents disclosed by Information Governance at the Sussex Partnership NHS Trust, assessing the evidence that I had managed to accumulate. There were still too many gaping holes in the record, still too many unanswered questions left hanging that troubled me no end. I thought of Sally Mungall and the letter that I had sent to her just a few days prior. Surely Sally would respond? I still trusted her, trusted her as a mental health professional, trusted her as a therapist, trusted her to do the right thing. Her therapists conscience would surely be pricked by my heartfelt written request . Surely her sense of moral justice and a clear distinction between right and wrong would prompt her into positive action?

The worst I expected from Sally Mungall was stone cold silence.