Here follows Part Two of my response to the letter from the Health and Care Professions Council received on the 9th December, 2024. This is another lengthy document running to 5260 words and around the same length as Part One yet I have only addressed two out of the seven outstanding issues that I wanted the HCPC to forward to their Investigation Panel.
I would need another two or three days to complete this response to my satisfaction but my mental health is very poor at the moment and I feel exhausted most of the time. I desperately need to complete and publish all twenty-four posts of Four and Twenty Dead Crows blog before the 6th January, 2025 and I'm running out of time. I am committed to a second hunger strike as off the 6th January, 2025 in protest at Hampshire Constabulary following false allegations made by HCPC registrant, Sally Mungall. It is likely that I will have to draw a line under this document and rush an inadequate postscript. It is all very disappointing and does little to improve my mood.
( I am taking this opportunity to remind the HCPC that I am now raising public awareness of my experiences with CAMHS, Bramblys Drive, the Sussex Partnership NHS Foundation Trust, Southern Health NHS Foundation Trust and Hampshire Constabulary by way of a social media campaign. You are welcome to follow my blog at www.fourandtwentydeadcrows.com ).
SPOILER ALERT Again, if you are following my story Four and Twenty Dead Crows and want to avoid spoilers, dont read Part Two of my response below
15th December 2024
Your reference *********
RESPONSE TO LETTER DATED 9TH DECEMBER, 2024 PART TWO
-Failure to refer complainant’s daughter
I had made a formal complaint about Mark Birbeck who acted as my daughter’s psychotherapist while under the care of CAMHS between 5th February, 2021 and 28th January, 2022. My complaint was addressed to the Association of Child Psychotherapists and a report into their investigation was forwarded to me on the 27th October, 2023.
The view of the Investigation Panel of the ACP was that Mark Birbeck had not breached the ACP Code of Professional Conduct and Ethics. Reasons given for the decision included ‘specific factors- the absence of a Team Manager for part of this period; the lack of availability of Lead Practitioners; a culture of ambivalence towards Adult Mental Health. The ACP suggested that many of the failures to adequately care for my daughter were at institutional level. I am highly critical of the investigation process carried out by the ACP and wrote a detailed rebuttal that I will be publishing on my blog site www.fourandtwentydeadcrows.com later in 2025.
Criticism was levelled at his lack of training, especially with reference to ‘Induction’. It was suggested that Mark Birbeck would have been made aware of the specifics of the CAMHS internal Health Trust Transition Care Protocol had his ‘induction training’ not been halted after two sessions.
The Investigation Panel confirmed that a Lead Practitioner WAS allocated to my daughter following a MDT meeting at CAMHS on the 30th June, 2021. This fact was corroborated by Sarie Hodgson, Lead Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist in Hampshire CAMHS during an online meeting with Mark Birbeck and the ACP Investigation Panel on the 18th July, 2023.
My own extensive investigations included multiple, requests of Information Governance Sussex Partnership for the name of the Lead Practitioner allocated to my daughter. Those requests were repeatedly ignored. It wasn’t until my daughter, Meg, made her own access to records around Christmas of 2023 that the identity of that Lead Practitioner was ( inadvertently? ) revealed to be Sally Mungall. Information Governance were actually instructed by clinicians and or leadership at CAMHS to deny me access to records as of the 5th October,2022 which I regard as corruption, but that is a complaint, one of numerous, currently lodged with the Parliamentary Health Service Ombudsman.
The point being that Sally Mungall had overall responsibility for my daughter’s mental healthcare while at CAMHS, Bramblys Drive. Sally Mungall WAS Lead Practitioner.
I will outline the evidence that proves Sally Mungall’s failure to refer my daughter to Adult Services below but, in the meantime, let me draw your attention to the following entry to my blog www.fourandtwentydeadcrows.com made on the 24th November, 2024
‘23rd December, 2021. So, after around just ten minutes, Mark Birbeck made his excuses and withdrew from the first of the two scheduled ‘review’ meetings leaving Meg and I with Sally Mungall. It was the first time that Meg had actually met Sally and she would meet her just once more on the 13th January, 2022. Looking back it seems remarkable that Sally met with my daughter on just two occasions, both at the dog-end of therapy with Mark Birbeck. Revelations made available through access to records a full two years later revealed that Sally Mungall was, in fact, the lead practitioner involved in Meg’s case. The responsibilities of a lead practitioner working within a CAMHS setting primarily include the assessment and treatment of children and young people who present with a wide range of mental health problems. They are expected to be responsive to the needs and views of the children, young people and their families, carers or guardians, ensuring that the best evidence-based care is available in line with clinical guidelines such as those laid out by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. I would have expected Sally to have carried out regular face to face assessments with Meg throughout the course of her mental health treatment. Indeed, the Code of Practice to the Care Act says that, in England, all assessments of people with mental health problems should take place face-to-face. This would be especially important considering what I believe to be Mark Birbeck’s very inexperienced position. As already mentioned, Sally had carried out mental health assessments of my daughter through second hand account via Mark. Medical records suggest that Sally struggled to get a grip on understanding Meg’s mental health presentation, especially around her autism. I would have expected a lead practitioner to have sought face-to-face meeting with all children and young people under their managerial care. The fact that Sally did not take such opportunities seems reprehensible. But it was, apparently, far worse than that. I now understand that CAMHS, Bramblys Drive, did not even have a Team Leader in charge throughout much, if not all of the time that Meg was receiving therapy.’
It should be noted that Sally Mungall not only failed to refer Meg to Adult Mental Health Services in accordance with CAMHS internal Health Trust Transition Care Protocol but she also failed to carry out the basic duties required of a Lead Practitioner. The fact was that Meg was in the care of incompetent healthcare professionals working within a broken institution.
I believe Sally Mungall to be culpable of both 1) failing to refer my daughter to Adult Mental Health Services and 2) failing in her basic duties as a Lead Practitioner.
I didn’t even understand the magnitude of these additional failings until recently when I researched the job responsibilities for NHS Lead Practitioners.
THE EVIDENCE THAT SALLY MUNGALL FAILED TO REFER MY DAUGHTER TO ADULT SERVICES IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE ‘CAMHS INTERNAL HEALTH TRUST TRANSITION CARE’ AND NICE POLICY AND PROTOCOL.
1) IT HAS BEEN ARGUED THAT COVID 19 WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SIGNIFICANT DELAY IN PROVIDING TIMELY ACCESS TO CAMHS SERVICES AND POTENTIAL IMPACT ON SUBSEQUENT CARE OF MY DAUGHTER ONCE ADMITTED INTO THE CAMHS SERVICES
ACCORDING TO NHS DIGITAL, THE IMPACT OF COVID 19 DID NOT HAVE SIGNIFICANT IMPACT ON NHS SERVICES UNTIL APRIL 2020 ( https://digital.nhs.uk/data-and-information/publications/statistical/hospital-outpatient-activity/2020-21/covid-19-impact ) My daughter was initially assessed by Abigail Lee, Primary Mental Health Worker at CAMHS on the 13th December 2018. The failure to admit my daughter into the service was largely outside of the influence of Covid 19. Additionally, a September 2021 report by NICE found the following ‘The paper in BJPsych Open by McNicholas et al,2 describes how government lockdown measures and restrictions during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020 affected referral rates to CAMHS in the Republic of Ireland. The authors observed an initial drop in referrals in the months of March–May 2020 during the first lockdown period of 53% compared with the same period in 2019. Low attendance at general practitioners or emergency departments, and closure of schools have been cited as probable reasons for this. Similar referral patterns have been seen across the country in the UK in all psychiatric specialties and settings. ‘The situation on the ground at the time of the first Covid 19 lockdown from March to June 2020 saw a decrease in referrals rates to CAMHS. Lockdowns were eased from June 2020 onwards. ‘However, McNicholas et al2 reported that from September 2020 onwards there was a sharp increase in referrals, with a peak of 180% in November 2020 compared with previous years. ‘This means that there was a significant period of time, between March and September 2020, where a drop in demand for services should have seen space to admit my daughter into the service.
2) The ACP Investigating Panel concluded ‘Meg Stock was considered to be a complex case, under the clinical pathway for Trauma, with symptoms of depression and anxiety/ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). During her psychotherapy treatment MS was given a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Concurrent work with Mr. S was arranged alongside her psychotherapy treatment. Regarding the Health Trust Transition Care Protocol, MB explained that he was aware a policy was in place but acknowledged he may not have been aware of it in detail. When he joined the Trust he was placed on Induction training, but this was cancelled after two sessions due to COVID, when the Trust instructed that all non-essential activities should be stopped in order for clinical work to be prioritised. This meant that Mark Birbeck did not attend the planned Induction session on the Protocol. MB said that he had not previously been involved in operationalising a transition for a patient, and was not aware or made aware of a specific document that needed to be shared with the patient/ family. His understanding of transition was as a process of thinking together with a patient as to what might be needed in the future as their 18th birthday approached.’
This conclusion seeks to absolve MB of responsibility by virtue of his ignorance to the details contained in the HTTC Protocol. Sally Mungall was a senior and long-serving practitioner and would have been fully aware of the details contained in the HTTC Protocol. ADDITIONALLY, here is concrete admission of the complexities of my daughter’s mental health presentation. Sally Mungall failed as Lead Practitioner in a way that reflected the severity of my daughter’s mental health presentation.
3) The ACP Investigating Panel reported that ‘MB felt that at the beginning of their work it was not clear whether referral on to Adult Mental Health would be needed: whether the mental health component of MS’s difficulties could be concluded at CAMHS; or whether other services may be more appropriate.’
It was absolutely clear to me as a father and main carer that the complexities of my daughter’s mental health could not be ‘concluded’ at CAMHS. I made myself clear on this point multiple times throughout the year but was over ruled. History has proved me absolutely right. Sally hadn’t even met Meg until the first ‘review’ meeting on the 23rd December, 2021. As far as I could tell, Sally was appraising Meg’s mental health progress, by proxy, in discussion with Mark Birbeck. Access to medical records later confirmed that Sally was compiling mental health questionnaires and assessments during 2021 without ever talking to Meg. Sally’s assessment of my daughter relied exclusively on the second hand testimony of Mark. I had actually criticised Mark Birbeck’s therapeutic approach in front of Sally Mungall during one of our ‘art therapy’ sessions. Sally’s reaction was overly defensive, vigorously defending a colleague instead of opening up a safe space for dialogue and objective enquiry. Defending Mark Birbeck took priority over my legitimate concerns and I never criticised him in front of Sally again.
4) The ACP Investigatory Panel went on to say ‘It then became clearer that Meg would also need onward referral to the Adult Mental Health Team. MB reflected that his ideas on referring MS on to Adult Mental Health were perhaps adversely affected by a culture of pessimism within CAMHS as to whether that service were positive about accepting referrals. He said that the complaint had led to a process of self-reflection regarding possible clinical matters he could have managed in a different way.’
At this time, Sally Mungall had long been appointed Lead Practitioner. She should either have challenged Mark Birbeck on the affects of the ‘culture of pessimism’ or was, herself, a part of that culture. Neither Sally Mungall, Mark Birbeck or indeed, any clinician working in CAMHS, had the right to interfere with my daughter’s rights as a patient or my rights as a parent and carer to be informed and to have a say in her medical care. Sally Mungall was ultimately responsible for deny us rights that are enshrined in the NHS Constitution!
Mark Birbeck was not to have breached ACP ethics largely because he was relatively new to the service and had not completed the Induction programme. It was argued that he was unaware of the details of the Health Trust Transition Care Protocol because he missed the relevant parts of the Induction programme. Sally Mungall was a long-serving senior clinician and would have had detailed knowledge of the Health Trust Transition Care Protocol.
Substitute Mark Birbeck’s name with Sally Mungall’s where appropriate.
‘THE ABOVE STATEMENT ALSO CLEARLY DEMONSTRATES MARK BIRBECK’S INCOMPETENCE. If he was a truly competent clinician endowed with sufficient practical knowledge about OCD he would know that OCD is best treated by use of CBT, Cognitive behavioural Therapy INCLUDING ERP, Exposure and Response Prevention. Did the ACP investigators ask Mark Birbeck to forward evidence that he was applying CBT including ERP to deal with my daughter’s chronic OCD? Where is that evidence, written in session notes or other clinical records? My own observations of the therapy and other clinical interventions currently being delivered by clinicians at Adult Services at the CMHT The Bridge Centre, Basingstoke support the belief that CBT including ERP IN CONJUNCTION with ADDITIONAL intense, specialist psychological therapy running in conjunction with CBT and ERP is the best course of treatment for my daughter. Mark Birbeck decision to attempt to deal with my daughter’s OCD within CAMHS has denied appropriate and timely treatment by truly competent clinicians. Mark Birbeck allowed a culture of pessimism to cloud his clinical judgement. IT WASN’T UP TO HIM, NOR ANY OTHER OF HIS COHORTS WITHIN CAMHS TO ALLOW THEIR FATALIST ATTITUDE TOWARD ANOTHER HEALTHCARE TRUST TO INFLUENCE A CLINICAL DECISION. That is an APPALLING admission by Mark Birbeck, and indeed, Sarie Hodgson, Lead Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist of CAMHS. The collective, unprofessional cynicism of Mark Birbeck and his cohorts within CAMHS delayed competent psychotherapy by at least 9 months and, according to NICE guidelines on Transition from Child Services to Adult Services by 13 months. I will remind you AGAIN that I made a credible attempt on my own life during April 2022 while waiting for CMHT The Bridge Centre to accept my daughter into their service. I could, if not for a certain amount of good fortune, actually be dead by now. Mark Birbeck and his cohorts would then have been partially culpable.’ Since Sally Mungall was the Lead Practitioner it was her responsibility to assess the efficacy of Mark Birbeck’s therapy and identify and respond to any issues. It is my contention that Sally Mungall completely failed to comprehend the complexities of Meg’s mental health presentation. This failure is likely the result of ignorance and or lack of direct observation and or assessment of my daughter.
5) The ACP Investigating Panel went on to say ‘Sarie Hodgson added that it is standard practice for discussion on transition to take place once a young person reaches 17. MB acknowledged that such discussion with the family could have been more timely. However, he did not believe that reading the Transition Care Protocol would have necessarily affected his thinking, due to the factors referred to above.’ It was actually Sally Mungall’s responsibility to refer Meg for transition. The CAMHS Internal Transition Care Protocol is implicit in its wording. Additionally, NICE guidelines contained within the pages of the document ‘Transition from children’s to adult’s services for young people using health or social care services’ (NG 43 ) Published: 24 February 2016 states
‘1.2 Transition planning Timing and review 1.2.1 For groups not covered by health, social care and education legislation, practitioners should start planning for adulthood from year 9 (age 13 or 14) at the latest. For young people entering the service close to the point of transfer, planning should start immediately.’
With reference to NICE guidelines; It has often been explained to me that NICE guidelines are not mandatory, which I have always been frustrated by. It is far beyond the scope of this document to make robust arguments for strict compliance with NICE guidelines ( what is the point of expert, evidence-based guidance’ for health practitioners if it is routinely ignored? ) but it is perhaps worth paying attention to the following article
https://www.hilldickinson.com/insights/articles/nice-guidelines-not-just-gold-standard-practice
Or perhaps considering this quote by Sir Michael Rawlins, chair of NICE in 2012
‘This guidance represents the views of NICE and was arrived at after careful consideration of the evidence available. Healthcare professionals are expected to take it fully into account when exercising their clinical judgment. However, the guidance does not override the individual responsibility of healthcare professionals to make decisions appropriate to the circumstances of the individual patient in consultation with the patient and/or guardian or carer.’
Arrangements to transition Meg to Adult Services should have been made as soon as she was taken into the service on the 5th February, 2021. The fact that she wasn’t is a fault, possibly at institutional level. The Parliamentary Health Service Ombudsman are currently charged with investigating CAMHS, Bramblys Drive at institutional level. Sally Mungall becomes individually culpable once she assumes responsibility as Lead Practitioner.
6) The ACP Investigation Panel continued ‘The Hampshire Transition Care Protocol concerns those cases where a transition to Adult Mental Health is considered necessary. It lays out what steps should be taken from when a patient reaches 17 years, and when decisions need to be made at 17.5 yrs. In paragraph 5.3 it also discusses potential exemptions: 5.3 Flexibility of age of Transition In some cases it may be necessary for services to be more flexible. Where there are important clinical reasons, CAMHS will extend their work beyond the 18th birthday for a period of time. Reasons can include: It is possible to complete a piece of therapeutic work so that transfer of care to Adult Mental Health/Learning Disability services is not deemed necessary at the time.’ IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE POSSIBLE FOR MARK BIRBECK TO COMPLETE THE OCD WORK WITH ANY REASONABLE, EMPIRICALLY MEASUREABLE SUCCESS. More competent and experienced clinicians at CMHT The Bridge Centre have determined that my daughter is best served either by a programme of CBT or ERP or with specialist talking therapy in accordance with NICE guidelines on Treating Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder in Adults, Children and Young People. If Sally Mungall had been acting responsibly as Lead Practitioner then she would have properly assessed my daughter’s complicated mental health presentation and determined that she needed access to more competent and experienced clinicians. It is obvious that my daughter needed specialist intervention. Evidence revealed in my daughter’s medical records suggests Sally Mungall struggled to comprehend my daughter’s Autism presentation and yet, even as I write these words, Sally chooses to advertise her services online claiming ‘specialist area of knowledge in Autistic Spectrum1’. https://www.sallymungall.com/About.php
7) The ACP Investigatory Panel continued. ‘MB also reflects on the possibility that his knowledge of the entirety of the Transition Care Protocol was also affected by the absence of a Team Manager at Basingstoke over a period of several months, when he was initially working with MS. There was also a period during which all non-essential clinical tasks were halted to cope with the pressure on the service created by the post-COVID referrals.’ TRANSITION REFERRAL SHOULD NOT FALL UNDER ‘NON ESSENTIAL CLINICAL TASKS’. Referrals to Adult Services are ESSENTIAL tasks, surely? Referral should have been made by Sally Mungall as soon as she assumed responsibility as Lead Practitioner.
8) The ACP Investigatory Panel concluded ‘MB’s commitment to his patient is clear and they did have discussions about her future care in a general sense, and particularly following her diagnosis of ASD. MB’s previous clinical experience reinforced his belief that psychotherapy could help MS and alleviate her OCD symptoms.’ I argued thus ‘MARK BIRBECK RECKLESSLY OVERESTIMATED HIS COMPETENCE. He should have recognised this immediately and referred my daughter to Adult Services as safe practice and a caution against failure by CAMHS to actually treat my daughter’s OCD. Mark Birbeck’s decisions fall somewhere between ignorance and actual hubris. IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE FOR MARK BIRBECK TO USE HIS EXPERIENCE WITH A FORMER PATIENT SO EXCLUSIVELY. My daughter is a patient in her own right with her own very particular psychological presentation. What does Mark Birbeck mean by ‘no less pronounced’? In what ways were there commonalities between my daughter and Mark Birbeck’s previous patient and in what ways were there differences? What were the actual ‘solid grounds’ for the decision that my daughter could be helped by a Child and Adolescent psychotherapist? How far did the ACP investigators pursue this line of enquiry? My point here would be that Sally Mungall in her role as Lead Practitioner had complete oversight of the very junior Mark Birbeck but chose not to intervene.
9) I now have additional evidence, made available through my daughter’s medical records, that a family therapist intervention was suggested during the final months of 2021 but Sally dismissed a reminder made by colleagues. Please ask for this if you think it makes any difference to this document and I will source and forward to you.
Finally, it should be noted that I was drawn into this line of investigation and, ultimately, this actual complaint following communication with Farayi Nyakubaya, Head of Nursing at CMHT, The Bridge Centre. Farayi’s comments provide professional insight
‘Following a meeting earlier today ( 6th Jan 2023 ) with Farayi Nyakubaya, Head of Nursing at CMHT The Bridge Centre, held to bring the Southern Health portion of my complaint SP22020 to final resolution, I was informed that my daughter, Meg Stock, former patient at Camhs, Basingstoke, should have been referred to CMHT The Bridge Centre when she turned 17 and a half years old. Farayi told me that this was policy designed to provide a seamless and timely transition between Camhs and The Bridge Centre and where both teams of healthcare providers would be working together to provide Meg uninterrupted mental health care. According to this policy Meg should have been referred to The Bridge Centre on the 10th June 2021 but was not actually handed over until 8th March 2022. The delay in referral added considerable distress to both Meg and myself as her main carer and has significantly impacted psychological intervention by The Bridge Centre. Farayi has told me that Camhs failure to refer Meg at age 17 and a half was either a mistake or a clinical decision although he would not be drawn into speculating what clinical decision might have prevented a prompt referral. Please would you ask the appropriate clinicians at Camhs, Basingstoke to advise if the reason not to refer Meg to The Bridge Centre on the 10th June 2021 was a mistake or to advise me on the precise explanation for the clinical decision if this was the case.’
IN CONCLUSION, you might be tempted to argue that the delay in transitioning Meg from Child to Adult Services was not significant. You might point to the fact that Sally Mungall did not assume Lead Practitioner responsibility until the 30th June, 2021, that my daughter was eventually referred to Adult Services on the 8th March, 2022 and that eight months was not a long time to wait.
Except that,
This negative effects resulting from this delay, compounded by the damage caused by Sally Mungall working beyond the scope of her role during ‘Parent Work’ with me, alongside her inadequate maintenance of boundaries and my own unattended carer burnout led to my own catastrophic mental health breakdown. If there had been a seamless and expedient transition between child and adult services then my own mental health crisis might have been averted. As it was, both Meg and I were about to be discharged from CAMHS services WITHOUT any safeguarding in place and NO measures or support requested of Adult Services or Social Services at the beginning of Meg’s final ‘review’ on the 13th January, 2022. It was only after that same ‘review’ that I convinced Sally Mungall and Mark Birbeck of imminent catastrophe and they finally acquiesced. Meg wasn’t assessed by Adult Services until 20th April, 2022. I made a credible attempt to take my own life on the 27th April, 2022.
AND, FINALLY
Just so that you can get an idea of what it actually feels like to be my daughter, I have copied and pasted the following document. Meg has given permission for this to be shared. This document was written recently by Meg and describes what it feels like to live with debilitating OCD. What Meg writes is absolutely appalling but imagine what it might be like, first, to live like this, day in day out, seven days a week without respite and then, second, what it feels like to be me, her single dad and main carer, dealing with this, day in day out, seven days a week without respite. That’s what it felt like to be us at the time. It isn’t much better now, even when Meg stays at her mother’s. Even more incredulously, this isn’t even a complete, detailed, objective assessment of Meg’s lived experience. The reality is TEN TIMES WORSE. Maybe, when I have time and Meg’s permission I will write up what it is truly like for Meg to live the way she does. It is HORRIFIC. Sally Mungall bears some responsibility. The Health and Care Professions Council need to investigate their registrant thoroughly. It is the only way to inspire real confidence in the services provided by their members. The public deserve this. I deserve this. MEG DESERVES THIS.
‘’AVERAGE MINCLDAY
Don’t you fucking love feeling like a freak because your body responds to things in a way you can’t control? Especially if it’s a response to something unconventional. Don’t you love keeping said thing secret for 8+ years because you thought it was weird and that no one would understand? Isn’t it great when your brain turns that into meticulous checking every 5 seconds to see if parts of your body feel weird and completing a ritual if they do in order to pack it away in the back of your mind for a bit longer so that you don’t have to confront that part of yourself? Why couldn’t I have had something NORMAL. Because keeping it to myself for so long has just made me feel even worse about myself and now it will take ages to undo it all. God i fucking hate my life
Anyway here’s the tea
Wake up. Fucking exhausted probably. Likely went to sleep finally at 4am because rituals and weird ass avoidance kept me up most of the night. If I go to dad’s I want to be round there usually at 9 but that almost never happens nowadays because I’m too tired to get up and I dont want to be tired at dad’s. So I end up going back to sleep and waking up around 10-11am. Annoying when this happens since I’ve just wasted half my day with dadth.
Get head off pillow and get out of bed after tricking my brain into doing the stupid hair ritual when I’m in the bathroom and not before I get out of bed like I used to. Hopefully momth has put out a flannel and t shirt and shit so I dont have to OCD over getting them. Go to toilet. Ritual. Make sure I don’t focus on my hair/head too much in case it feels weird and I have to do a ritual to stop it. Flush toilet. Wash hands and then do the other hair ritual I was delaying. It hurts. I have open wounds behind both of my ears from doing the same ritual probably just shy of 80 times per day. Spots on my neck below my ears too which hurt. Nothing gets a chance to heal because im constantly ritualising. Wash. Can’t shower anymore because my mums shower has annoying delays when you turn it on and off so I can’t just pull a handle up and down or twist a dial as many times as I need. I just wash in the sink. Have to stop many times if my hair feels weird and ritualise. Often don’t end up washing all the soap off because of not wanting to give time to focusing on how my hair feels. Get it done as quickly as possible. Make sure nothing feels weird before getting t shirt. Usually still wet whilst I put my clothes on. I hate it. It’s gross.
Once I have my t shirt, pants and trousers on I’m usually in the clear. Pack bag. Get computer lead out of the plug. Make sure my hair doesn’t feel weird again (constantly checking this every time I do anything of significance). Order taxi. Get the fuck out of that goddamn house and have a relatively normal HAPPY day with dadth.
But then at 9pm momth picks me up. Pull up at momths house. She takes my bag in whilst I sit and attempt to get out of the car. Of course this is also a ritual and my hair ALWAYS feels weird because my momth exacerbates the feeling. Do the ritual as many times as it takes and then quickly undo the seatbelt (by the way actually undoing it is recent. Before I would have to awkwardly slide my body out of it because it’s less of a monumental thing than undoing the buckle for some reason???? Idk. Brain.) Get out of car. Don’t close the door though. Momth comes out to do that so I don’t have to do it over and over again.
Walk to house like a zombie so I don’t have the chance to see if my hair feels weird. Sometimes it does though. I have to go through the patio door because going over the front doorstep is too hard at the moment and I ritualise. Get into the house. Immediately go to my bedroom (my momth has plugged the computer in for me so I don’t have to ritualise again). Try and get into bed. Make sure my hair doesnt feel weird. Do a ritual if it does. Get into bed.
In bed!! Sit up for as long as it takes for me to feel tired but also because im delaying putting my head on the pillow and inevitably moving my head in a way that makes my hair feel weird. If my head hits the pillow at the wrong angle or i hover it above the pillow for too long in a way that makes my hair feel weird, fucking shit guess we gotta do a ritual! Yeoowwww. This shit usually keeps me awake in a cycle up until like 4am sometimes. Oh and if i actually DO get to sleep? Chances are I’ll have a dream in which my hair feels weird and/or I do something uncomfortable to it and then i wake up wondering whether i did it in my sleep in real life. Of course ocd is the doubting disease so there’s no way to know for sure.
If it was really bad, I’ll have to brush my hair round my dads (hes the only one who can snap me out of rituals to some degree). That is always literal hell because i brush so many times it leaves red raw marks on my face and neck.
Rinse and repeat
UNLESS it’s Tuesday, Thursday or the weekend. Then I usually just stay in my bed all day until momth comes home from work at 4pm. Depression. Can’t turn my bedroom light on because OCD so I have to have lanterns that only have a certain amount of power before needing to be recharged. Dark as fuck. Can’t draw. Can’t write. Can’t even log into my computer without doing it multiple times because OCD. Doing literally anything is impossible.’’
Mark Stock
16th December, 2024
