A Theory of Everything # 15 'The art therapy sessions 4'
THEORY OF EVERYTHING
'The art therapy sessions # 4'
ROMANTIC ATTTRACTION
DELUSIONAL DISORDER
Something happened between publishing my last post and editing this one.
I dreamt about Sally Mungall.
This is only the second time ever that she has turned up in my dreams which I find incredible. One would expect Sally Mungall to be a regular visitor during my nights asleep while I spend so many daylight hours desperately trying to process the emotional turmoil and trauma that she caused.
I like the idea that dreams are a type of therapy. A dream is a way of confronting emotional conflict, unresolved feelings and the otherwise unprocessed dramas of waking life.
The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, famously declared dreams to be the “royal road to the knowledge of the unconscious.” Freud, in his classic treatise, The Interpretation of Dreams theorised that dreams were wish fulfilment. The Sally Mungall who appeared in my dream was tearful and contrite. She was being judged by a tribunal, probably a conjuration of the Health and Care Professions Council, being made to account for her actions. I was being asked to give evidence and was reluctant to look her in the eye but I couldn’t help but notice when she became tearful and contrite. She rushed over to me and hugged me tightly, apologising for what she had done. I hugged her in return and immediately forgave her. Upon that pardon the tribunal was immediately vanquished. Toward the end of the dream she asked me, ‘Can I see you next Thursday?’ I replied, ‘Yes’, and the dream ended. The ‘art therapy’ sessions from September to December 2021 had always been held on a Thursday afternoon.
I watched her walk away, even as I was waking and was overwhelmed. I lay completely still, buried in blankets and emotions, fearful that moving might burst the bubbles and erase everything before I could commit the dream to memory.
The dream felt conciliatory. It made me pause and reflect over the last few days.
Was there some truth in that dream?
Was it just wish fulfilment?
The really curious aspect of the dream version of Sally Mungall was that she didn’t really look like the waking Sally Mungall.
There are two remaining categories out of the five originally listed in my earlier post, ‘A Theory of Everything #13 'The art therapy sessions 2'
4) ROMANTIC ATTTRACTION
5) DELUSIONAL DISORDER
Romantic attraction is probably the most elusive to pin down; it is a butterfly that won’t land.
Delusional disorder is probably the most discomforting to confront.
Albert Einstein once said, "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
I fell in love with Sally Mungall the first time she removed her mask and revealed her face. I declared my love to her shortly after. She accepted. Her actual words of reply were. ‘I will allow that’.
Alexis Mark’s article cites Ingrid Olsen, a professor of Psychology at Penn University, who reported to softpedia.com that, "We're able to judge attractiveness with surprising speed and on the basis of very little information. It seems that pretty faces 'prime' our minds to make us more likely to associate the pretty face with a positive emotion."
Research has shown two bases for love at first sight. One is that the attractiveness of a person can be very quickly determined, with the average time in one study being 0.13 seconds. The other is that the first few minutes, but not the first moment, of a relationship have been shown to be predictive of the relationship's future success, more so than what two people have in common or whether they like each other. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_at_first_sight#cite_note-3
But Ingrid Olsen’s idea about a pretty face doesn’t entirely explain my instant attraction to Sally Mungall. Attractiveness isn’t necessarily confined to the ‘prettiness’ of a face. The first definition of ‘attractive’, according to https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/attractive is
Attractive adjective at·trac·tive ə-ˈtrak-tiv a: arousing interest or pleasure : charming ie an attractive smile
The next time I saw Sally Mungall without a face covering was several sessions later. She met me in the CAMHS reception as usual, walked me to the art therapy room, disappeared again for a few moments to fetch some paperwork, apparently oblivious to the fact that she wasn’t wearing her Covid 19 mask. At first I was absolutely thrilled though I hid my excitement. When she returned to the room she was distracted with arranging things in the cupboards opposite me. It all seemed planned, as though she wanted me to see her, like she was putting on a show. I took the opportunity to watch her intently. But the more I looked, the more my thrill evaporated. I found it difficult to reconcile the image of Sally Mungall that I had been holding in my imagination with the one who was momentarily busy in front of me. The imagined Sally Mungall was unfathomably pretty while the real Sally Mungall had a somewhat clumsy face. The effect was jarring. As soon as she settled into her chair I made some comment about how nice it was that she didn’t need to wear a face covering. She immediately left the therapy room and returned wearing a mask.
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE, DISTORTIONS and DENIALS OF REALITY
Cognition encompasses mental processes that deal with knowledge which includes psychological that acquire, store, retrieve, transform, or apply information. These processes are a fundamental part of mental life, helping individuals understand and interact with the world. Cognitive dissonance is as a mental phenomenon in which a person unknowingly or subconsciously hold fundamentally conflicting cognitions. Being confronted by situations that create this dissonance or highlight these inconsistencies motivates change in their cognitions or actions to reduce this dissonance, maybe by changing a belief, by explaining something away, or by taking actions that reduce perceived inconsistency.
Cognitive dissonance surfaces through psychological stress when psychological discomfort is created due to person participating in an action that creates conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors, or when new information challenges existing beliefs.
According to this theory, when an action or idea is psychologically inconsistent with the other, people automatically try to resolve the conflict, usually by reframing a side to make the combination congruent.
And this is exactly the tactic that I appear to have adopted.
I completely reframed my subjective notions of female beauty to align with the intense feelings I held for Sally Mungall.
Were my experiences of Sally Mungall actually distorting my sense of reality?
A distorted sense of reality refers to a mental state in which an individual's perception of the world is significantly different from the reality of the situation. This can manifest in various ways, such as hallucinations, delusions, or a skewed interpretation of events and interactions with others.
'Mental illness and denial of reality are inseparable in ways that go far deeper than willpower or self-awareness. When the brain’s own self-monitoring circuitry breaks down, a person can lose access to consensus reality entirely, not because they’re stubborn, but because the organ they’d use to recognize the problem is the very one that’s damaged. Understanding what’s actually happening neurologically and psychologically changes everything about how we respond.' - https://neurolaunch.com/mental-illness-denial-of-reality/
Cognitive distortions in depression, anxiety, and related conditions systematically misrepresent reality without the person necessarily being aware it’s happening.
A distorted sense of reality can be caused by a variety of factors, including mental health disorders, substance abuse, neurological conditions and trauma.
I can categorically rule out schizophrenia, manic and bipolar disorder, neuroses or personality disorders. I have been assessed by three different psychologists over the last few years and none have diagnosed severe mental illness. I have also never succumbed to substance abuse.
Was I suffering from first episode and possible intermittent delusional disorder?
Onset of delusional disorder can, apparently, be insidious, and the delusion may be present for years before clinical contact.
If so, was the disorder dormant until disturbed by multiple life-stressors?
And, if so, was the nature and circumstance surrounding the ‘art therapy’ delivered by Sally Mungall a significant catalyst?
The use of ‘art therapy’ by Sally Mungall was, eventually, confirmed by the Sussex Partnership NHS Foundation Trust as wholly inappropriate and outside the operating remit of the therapist. This was reiterated by investigators working independently on behalf of the Parliamentary Health Service Ombudsman and accepted by the Health and Care Professions Council as evidence forwarded by me as part of my ‘fitness to practice’ complaint. The ‘art therapy’ addressed intergenerational trauma’.
Trauma: Experiencing trauma, such as physical or emotional abuse, can have a profound impact on an individual's sense of reality. PTSD and other trauma-related disorders can cause individuals to experience flashbacks, dissociation, and distorted perceptions of the world around them, making it challenging to differentiate between past and present experiences.
I have been diagnosed, by psychologists at CMHT, The Bridge Centre, with Complex PTSD and I have received intensive therapy, including ‘trauma therapy’, mostly through a programme of EMDR.
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