By mid-February, 2022, I had been appointed a new GP by the name of Dr Dougan. I have positive memories of Dr Dougan and her colleague, Kirsty Smith. I was carried, by both, through six truly dark and troubling weeks as CMHT and iTalk bounced me back and forth like a mouldy hot potato and Social Services hemmed and hawed. Medical records seem to suggest Dr Dougan’s frustration in dealing with CMHT and recorded a conversation with iTalk, quoting Kylie Selholm as saying she ‘feels needs CMHT input’. After speaking with CMHT on the 6th March (?) went on to add …’did sense some resistance’, which means that CMHT were reluctant to take me on as a patient. iTalk themselves didn’t want to take me on as a patient. The iTalk debacle carried on well into June and July that year. By the end of March I had truly succumbed to despair and had started making plans to end things permanently. It felt like I had been in a war. The final few months had been spent crawling into the middle of ‘no man’s land’.

On the 29th March, 2022, a social worker from Hampshire County Council Adult Services finally arrived on our doorstep. Phoebe Evans was, at the time, a newly qualified social worker and I had my reservations. Her face was hidden by a Covid 19 mask and largely unreadable but she spoke with the enthusiasm of a new appointee, an unjaded idealist. Meg seemed at ease with Phoebe, which was encouraging but I was already lost. I spoke with Phoebe on the doorstep and out of earshot of Meg as she was leaving, giving her an update of my mental state and immediate plans to 'walk'.

On the 11th April, 2022 I bought a copy of the OS South West Coast Path Map Booklet- Plymouth to Poole and started drawing up plans for a ‘walk’. A little later I purchased a pop up tent and a torch.

Around this same time I started attending the Safe Haven in Basingstoke, a service run by Andover Mind that provides face to face immediate crisis support to those struggling with their mental health. My own records are unclear on specific details but I remember visiting the service a few times in April, 2022. I can confirm that I was listened to by a lovely lady called Sarah on the 17th April. Sarah made an immediate ‘safeguarding’ referral.

During another visit to the Safe Haven I was listened to by a woman called Crystal. It was Crystal who made the suggestion to seek access to my medical records. That advice, which I followed up, was truly portentous.

20th April, 2022. My daughter, Meg was finally invited to attend her first mental health assessment at CMHT the Bridge Centre following the belated referral from CAMHS. We set out early for the mile walk from our flat to the Bridge Centre but I woefully underestimated Meg’s physical condition. She had spent so many months in bed that her body wasn’t even up to the most basic tasks. The day was unusually hot and she was exhausted some distance short of the Bridge Centre. I asked her to stay and rest while I went on to explain that she was going to be late for her appointment. Remarkably Meg caught up with me in reception ten minutes later in the Bridge Centre just as Laura Jones was berating me for not calling an ambulance. Our walk back home an hour later was uneventful. I asked Meg about her mental health assessment. She didn’t have much to say beyond ‘She ( Laura Jones ) was horrible’. When we finally arrived home, Meg went straight back to bed. She remained there for the next three months.

26th April, 2022. Dr Dougan and Kirsty Smith’s new referrals to CMHT The Bridge Centre eventually led to my second mental health assessment. I had already finalised my plan for a ‘walk’ along the South West Coast Path, my pop up tent propped against a loaded rucksack in the hallway at home. Attending this second mental health assessment was a formality. I wasn’t expecting a positive outcome or pleasant surprise but I attended anyway.

This second mental health assessment, also with Laura Jones, followed the same biopsychological formulation template used by Kirsty Henry in February but this is where the similarity ended. Biopsychosocial formulation combines biological, psychological, and social factors to understand a patient. Whereas Kirsty was genuinely warm, empathic and compassionate, Laura was cold, brusque and at times, thoroughly disdainful. At the time I felt Laura’s poor attitude was directed personally towards me. I later remembered Megs words. Laura had been just as  rough with her. I had a general sense that Laura Jones' heart wasn’t in it, that maybe she was going through the motions, that this was a job that she had landed in, a job she hadn’t chosen. I think she might have been new to CMHT though that’s more a hunch. What was true is that she didn’t stay at CMHT for much longer. Maybe she was fired but now I’m just speculating.

At some point during the assessment I made mention of my plans to walk around sixty miles from Weymouth in Dorset to Brockenhurst in the New Forest without food or water with the ‘hope that I might die’ to which Laura Jones asked, ‘If you are so determined to kill yourself, why bother turning up for this assessment?’ Her question was delivered with such obvious contempt that I distinctly remember hating her for asking. The assessment concluded soon after. Laura Jones’ final words were an assurance that she would call me by the 3rd May, latest, with the results of the assessment along with recommendations.

I went home and made my final arrangements. Later that evening I wrote an email to my friend

Hi Doug,

Hope you are all well over there.

I’m off early tomorrow to take that ‘walk’. Should be in Weymouth by about 9am and then setting off towards the New Forest. If I get to New Milton railway station I’ll be safe and sound. May or may not try for Brockenhurst. Got a cheap pop-up tent and a head torch. What can go wrong? If I’m not back by Saturday then I’m either in Bournemouth hospital or worse. Probably get back on Fri with nothing worse than sore feet.

And then I wrote to Meg’s new social worker

From: Mark Stock ********************Sent: 26 April 2022 21:03To: Evans, Phoebe **************************Subject:

Hello Phoebe,

I have just sent the attached Word document to Wanda Reynolds at Camhs.

Meg’s mother is aware of my state of mind and will be looking in on Meg daily and staying longer at the weekends.

I may be back by the weekend but it is possible that I end up in hospital or even worse. I will message you if and when I do return.

Meg believes I’m just off on an adventure and it’s best that nobody challenges that perception for the time being.

Mark

From: Evans, Phoebe **************************Sent: 27 April 2022 09:35To: Mark StockSubject: RE:

Hello Mark,

I have a duty to share my concerns regarding your welfare to relevant professionals (as discussed out the front of your property), so please take this email as notice that I am sharing this information due to the concerns I have for your welfare.

Many thanks,

Phoebe Evans

Newly Qualified Social Worker

The Word document that I alluded will be the subject of my next post. Please be advised that the contents, which are veiled references to suicide, are distressing.